Dear Amai Chisamba - Husband and I Live Like Roommates

When I married my husband he was recovering from a relationship that he had really cared about and put a lot of energy into.

The woman he loved before me broke his heart and dumped him for another guy. He began to think he was just a failure in life. He knew this fling was not going to last so he wanted someone to help him close this woman out in case she came back once her relationship failed. We dated for a very short time and half the time he called me by this other woman’s name. I was not even ready when he proposed but I said yes, although I knew this was not coming from the heart.

We tied the knot but still there was a lot to be desired. We do not fight a lot but we just do not have that spark. We are just like good neighbours. We have been married for two years and we are both working on our degree programmes. We agreed not to rush into having a family. Last month he suggested that we sleep in separate bedrooms and see if we still miss each other or something like that. We are keeping this to ourselves because we do not want family and friends to jump to conclusions.

To tell you the truth we are quite happy with this arrangement hapana ari kumbotsvaga mumwe. My problem amai is I do not know whether I would want to continue like this or not. What I have discovered in the past two years is we really do not have feelings for each other. We can watch a movie together or go out but this does nothing to alter the mood and foster romance. We have great respect for each other but we are not in love. Do you think it is wise for me to wait upon him? I am confused because I do not know the intended duration of this break and what his decision will be after this. He is 25 and I am 23. Please amai help.

Response

Your problem is a catch 22. I receive hundreds of letters from people and one common thing I have discovered is that many people do not know what a relationship and marriage means. There is urgent need for our elders to go back to the drawing board and give true guidance. People are getting married for very wrong reasons.

Dear Amai Chisamba - Husband and I Live Like Roommates

At times this is done to please the parents and church or at times because of having advanced in age and bowing to relentless peer pressure. I will be very honest with you, without love a relationship or marriage will not survive. In your case the reason was to block his ex from coming back, what nonsense! You knew about this and you allowed yourself to be used and now you have more questions than answers. He is 25 and you are only 23, and already going through such a predicament that could have been entirely avoided. Where on earth have you ever heard of a love recess between married spouses? Man and wife in separate bedrooms because they have no feelings for each other.
Please tipeiwo ma serious. You say you are happy with this arrangement, for how long are you going to endure? Why go through this in the first place? Let me pose your question again, what happens if he comes back after the break and says it is over? You took vows when you knew you were not going to fulfil the one that states “until death do us part”. You are still very young and full of potential. Please wake up and smell the coffee. I will give you options in the order of priority but hero jira kufuka kana kuwarira. Firstly if there is no love and no feelings, the marriage will not take off. This is a life time commitment do not cheat yourselves, reconsider.

Second option is if you want to start dating all over again engage a counsellor who will assist you both. I want you to always remember that time is money do not waste it unnecessarily. I am glad you did not rush to have a family. Children from broken homes are more affected than their parents. Weigh these two options and keep me posted.

Do not do things for other people — be true to yourselves. Pray for God’s guidance and the direction will be easy to see and follow. Keep well.